What Tragedy Can Teach You

This past Wednesday, my last surviving grandmother, Rose Mary Rose, passed away.

Her and my grandfather, Bill, had been married, just two months shy of 60 years.

In total I've been alive for just over 1/3 of their entire married life... 1/4 of their total life span...

Today looks grim for most single DC-ers, with the intrusion of the real housewives of DC and politicians scrounging up new lovers every day, it's hard for the single people out there to step back and breathe the smog-ridden air and not think about the rat race that is hunting down relationships in the bars and kickball leagues of this city.

So I've come up with a few little life gems, along with the help of my mother/father/grandfather, which might not be relevant to you today, but they should help you along as you grow.

1. Stop obsessing over George Clooney/Anna Paquin. It's not going to happen.

Pinning all your hopes on the impossible-to-attain-lover, only sets up your future relationships for failure. No one can compete with the vision of perfection you have in your head and it's not fair to make them.

2. Settling down with a person who has opposite life goals, will only hurt you both in the end. If you want three kids, and they want nothing to do with children, you'll only wind up with high-blood pressure and a headache. Finding out five/ten years into a marriage or a relationship that they don't want to have kids/dogs/join homeowners associations/invest in hedge-funds will only stress out the relationship and bring it to the brink of possible failure and heartbreak for both parties.

3. You can't change someone's moral/ethical values. This particular piece of wisdom from my grandfather, might seem erroneous to some, but in honest truth, I find it the most important rule of all. I'm not going to get preachy, but opposing moral values can strain relationships. If you believe ardently about giving 20% of your income to helping the poor and your significant other thinks that you're wasting money on bums buying alcohol and refuses to support you in your charity work or vice-versa, then at the end of the day you have a huge moral dilemma on your hand that could have been avoided had you picked a mate with a similar moral compass. I'm not saying that people of opposing religions can't get along... I'm saying that if you and your spouse/sig-ot don't agree on the directions of your life and your impact on the world as a couple, then you're going to have problems on your hand.

4. Perfection doesn't exist. Hard to accept, I know. However, someone with flaws that you can surpass, does exist. Make sure that at the end of the day, the way they click their teeth up against a fork isn't going to drive you crazy. Learn to love the whole person, from the leaving the seat up, to the forgetting to clean the hair from the drain (disgusting, I know).

5. You don't live forever and neither will your spouse. My grandfather said something tonight that stuck with me, "I was given 60 years with someone, I didn't deserve a day with." There will be fights. There will be arguments. There will be moments you want to take down the 22 and blow their brains out, but the truth of the matter is this. When you find someone with whom you decide to spend the rest of your life with, cherish it. Everyday is a new adventure and you never know when someone will kick-off before their time, but you shouldn't take the time you have with them for granted.

Every relationship in your life, brings you to where you are. From your relationship with friends/family/lovers/boyfriends/girlfriends, etc... There are lessons in every moment of your life that brings you to who you are and to the significant other you will become. As long as you remember that the life-gems around you always have things to teach.

Extending

How does one deal with date extensions? Do you say yes? Do you say no?

Should you play hard to get and insist you have a previous engagement? It depends.

If you're in the midst of the one of the most painful dates you've been on in a long time and the girl says,

"hey, my friends are out drinking in Dupont. Wanna come with?"

Then you have a very precarious situation on your hands.

Especially if previous in the date you said 1. you were bored with your life. 2. your friends are out of town.

3. You mentioned that you just love Dupont and would never turn down an offer to party there.

So what do you do?

You could mention how you're tired. You could mention that your feet hurt.

You could tell him that his conversation topics make you cry in pain (joke).
Just don't tell him that he's a horrible date. If the person whom you're on a date with is making life

exceedingly awkward for you, and you have no urge to lead him on, then you have to find a way to

let him down easy. I don't know your standard of rejection, but try not to insult the dater. You're dealing

with people's feelings. Don't make this more insulting than rejection already is.

Take into consideration that this person cared enough about getting to know you that they asked you out

on a date. You don't need to lie to them, and you should never have to. In today's society, high moral values

are of mass appeal and honesty highest among them. You shouldn't jeopardize your honor for the sake of not

hurting someone's feelings.

Don't rub the fact that you don't see this going anywhere into their face, but at the same time, don't try to

lie to save them the hurt feelings.

HOWEVER!

If you're in the midst of possibly one of the greatest dates of your life.

Then you have a pretty positive answer when he asks, "hey do you wanna grab coffee after this?"

You'd be a fool to say no.

What I'm saying is that you shouldn't have to pretend that you're busy for a guy to like you.

Granted if you actually do have plans with some friends, then keep them, but if you're just saying

no to make yourself look busy, then you're already starting the relationship with lies.

It's better to just have plans and not lie. If you already have plans, I don't reccomend blowing your

friends off, just for another hour or two with Miss Gorgeous, because then the friends get bitter

and when the two of you break up, they're not going to want to hear your whining about how you

have no life outside of her.

SO, let's recap. If it's a bad date... just let them know you don't see it working out.

good date... opt for the extension, unless you have previous plans, at which point in time you could

possibly invite him along, and let's be honest, who doesn't want to show off their new arm candy to

all their closest friends?

Paranoia

After a debate with a few friends about the benefits of dating younger and older people, and some discussions of social networking along with dating, we came across a question... Is being Facebook friends with your potential beneficial for your relationship?

Now for the older generations, if you're into that, Facebook is used for networking with co-workers and families. They have completely respectable profiles with nothing unseemly. Friends post questions about going to the lake, or did you finish that report yesterday?

However, the younger generations use Facebook as a tell all about our friends, relationships, and general life drama... which means if you friend your potential and they're in the 14-28 age bracket, you're going to have to deal with a whole slew of people pulling your new girl/guy into 50 directions. You'll see the comments about "Had a great time last night!" or "Heyo baby-girl, I'm looking for a massage tonight, you down?" or "Drinks all around! Lookin for some Touch!" And honestly, do you really want to see all the other peeps competing for your potential?

Personally, I'm not a proponent of the friending your potentials or your actuals or your exes... in fact I don't suggest friending anyone that you could potentially be romantically entangled with, because it just promotes constant jealousy, which isn't good for you. Isn't good for him, and could be potentially damaging to the future of your paths together.

Nowing the here-abouts and where-abouts of your potential 24/7 creates a stalking magnet that you can't afford to be... because truly, who wants to be a stalker? No one, but in todays day and age when people pop up on your wall every minute, you can see updates like the drop of a hat. And everyone knows that as soon as you bring up the phrase, "Oh I saw that you were into..." it looks like all you did all day before the date was Facebook Stalk in order to mold yourself into who you think they want you to be.

So if Miss Hottie shoots you a friend request... I sincerely support you rejecting it. However, if you're not down to reject a facebook request, or if you still want to send one... Limited Profile is the gift of the gods.

DC The Poorman's Dating District

You're more than strapped for cash, you haven't seen hide, nor hair since last Christmas went Auntie Pip Pip slid $10 into your back pocket while giving you a hug that last just a bit too long.

You're paying rent.

You're paying phone bill.

You're paying taxes.

You're paying groceries.

You're paying for the Chipotle Burrito you thought would be a good idea about an hour ago.

But you just can't afford to pay for that date.

Anyone whose picked up a Washingtonian during the summer knows that they are all over this free stuff to do in the summer thing, but you can't even afford to take a look at one of those...

So I thought, I'd come up with some fun, free events happening in the DC area for you to enjoy with that potential significant other, and then I realized that someone else had already done that for me.

http://freeindc.blogspot.com/ is probably the best website you've never heard of, with only 195 followers, this blog is an untapped resource for fun, current, free date ideas. This is not your, walk around the monuments under the stars kinda date.

They have art openings, exhibits, concerts, plays, film festivals, and more.

Did I mention that everything they post is... free and in the DC area?!

Other than that, a cute idea is to take your date and a batch of popsicles to the Sculpture Garden Fountain next to the Mall. It's a great spot to people watch and get to know each other in a public setting.

Skip the date worthy Air and Space Museum in Favor of the National Gallery of Art either modern or classic. Take each other to your favorite painters or roam the halls in search of something more.

If you're on the more adventurous side and prefer the rush of adrenaline. Fountain Jumping also gives you the chance to see how daring your date can be. You can also form serious bonds as you grasp each other's hands running from the cops. Think of yourselves as a modern day Bonny and Clyde, minus the whole dying in a blaze of gunfire.

Cook for each other. (O.K. not necessarily free, but definitely fun). Maybe you can't cook to save your life, but there's a cookbook and a recipe and a grocery store calling your name. Make a night of it. Don't go shopping before hand. Shop together. Hand in Hand strolling down the aisles you'll get the chance to explore how you feel in a domestic setting. And while you might not be able to afford double-dutch-chocolate cake after dinner, I'm sure you'll be able to scrounge up some desert.

Flovers

Oh Facebook, you why do you complicate our lives...

A long time ago, I privatized the crap out of my facebook. I limited my searchability practically down to the people who know my middle name, which is probably around 20 people... but with the recent changes in facebook's privacy settings, somehow mine and a lot of my friend's searchable privacy settings disappeared.

Now normally most people would be worried about potential employers hunting you down and stalking you all the way back to high school, but a recent rash of people most of us haven't talked to since junior high and who despised our guts back in the day have decided that maybe they shouldn't have been so harsh as children...

So enters the Flover.

What is a Flover?

Well for starters I'm not spelling Flower wrong on purpose... a Flover is a person who desires to become your "lover," but can only get to you via facebook, because you're not handing out your phone number or offering them the time of day. I use the word lover lightly, I'm not saying they're deeply, hoplessly in love with you. I'm saying they'll send you messages, and if you decided to be all forgiving and actually friend them, they'll IM you... they'll post on your wall... and they'll try to curry up to your good graces, and maybe, yes, they might have changed from junior high... people can change, but you've moved so far on in your life that you don't care if they changed.

Now there are many ways to deal with a Flover depending on your level of confidence, and for the most part it's the whole Passive, Assertive, Aggressive, or Passive/Aggressive mumbo jumbo, so essentially, ignore, confront, bring up any pent-up frustration and years of aggravation or defriend, but the key part of understanding a Flover is to understand that you, yourself have changed as well.

People grow-up, they grow into their bodies, they become who they're meant to be and in that process they gain all sorts of life aspirations and stories along the way, and what a Flover is trying to do, is to become a part of this new improved you. So, you can revert back to your childhood and shun those who drove you crazy back in the day, or you can accept their passive apology and explore the potentials of a new friendship.

Im not suggesting that every single person from your past that friends you, wants to get into your pants... I'm suggesting that the now overtly friendly ones, who most of the time would slam your locker shut before you were finished grabbing your books, might be interested in getting to know you as an adult, and move past childhood arguments, but only if you'll let them.

Coffee for Adults

While sitting on the couch at a friend's apartment with a group of chikas, one of my girls mentioned she was going to have drinks the following week with a guy she had just recently met.

And,

After having my own outing for drinks with a cutie the day prior, he brought up an interesting idea, and after hearing about my friend's future date, I had to wonder if he was right...

Are drinks the new coffee?

After throwing around the question to the group, we came to a general consensus that drinks are not the new coffee... Instead drinks are the mature and 'responsible' version of coffee. It's essentially a no pressure way for two people to get together without the worry that he wont like the restaurant I pick. It gives you the opportunity to get to know a person's likes and dislikes before you take a vegetarian to Longhorn Steakhouse.

Coffee is the under-21 age group's answer to drinks. Odds are before Starbucks, the "hey let's go out for a coffee," wasn't exactly an option unless you were headed to the local Mickey-Ds, and let's be real, no one wants to bring a date out to McDonalds. The under-21s are attempting to fill in a hole in their journey to adulthood. Most young adults aren't touting boatloads of cash and if they meet a potential significant other their options are few and far between... the respectable coffee or the disgraceful 'moviemance.'

I'm not talking you hit 21 and immediately guys start saying, "hey let's grab a round." It's a right of passage that comes with growing older... there's no set age. It's just something that happens naturally from going out and meeting new people, who are interested in the comfort of the social lubricant.

And who knows, maybe soon DC will soon sprout the all mighty bar/coffee houses, which are greatly popular in Austin, Texas where the coffee house scene mingles with the hip beat of the intimate live music scene, but until they do, the over-21 crowd will probably just hit a bar.