It's Horrifying

I recently watched one of the most gruesome films that I've ever seen.

What you need to know about it is that it's called "Dead Snow," and it's intended to be a comedy horror film. As I watched it however, I slowly began to realize how intrisically the film relayed into life. The stereotypes of people within the film were deeply accurate to people you meet in real life and as the people started to die off as the film progressed, I began to realize, O.M.G. This would be a great dating advice blog.

So here it goes.

How to survive the dating pond OR How to NOT die in a horror movie.

1. As everyone knows the first person to die in any horror movie, is the ober slut. Yes you might have the horny guy who spouts off suggestive catch phrases, but the ober slut, usually gets killed because she's besmirched her character and sullied her family name. However as in horror films, it's important in the dating sphere, to not be the ober slut, because no one will respect you. As an ober slut you are throwing yourself at the first available guy and not waiting to get to know the person you're jumping at. While it might feel right to forgo introductions, it's important to know the person you're dating, before you shack up.

2. The first one at the scene/club/bar/party.

Hello desperation, thy name is you. There's a reason the cliché is "fasionably late" and not "fashionably the early bird." No but really. If you're the first person at the party, you either drink more to make the awkward go away, or you stand awkwardly in a corner waiting for people to arrive, at which point, you look like the "awkward girl" who seems just a bit too desperate and awkward. If you're not throwing the party, and you're not the host's best friend, save yourself the sadness and show up later.

3. The person without the personality.

You know those people that die off pretty early in the film, because you just never get to know them. There's no character development. Guess what! It's safe to say that if no one is getting to know you and you're not trying to get to know anyone else that you're going to be forgotten as soon as you walk out of sight.

4. The guy that has only one obsession.

I love movies. I love them a lot. I also love horseback riding, boating, swimming, and cooking. It's called multifaceted. If you only have ONE thing that makes your heart sing, I'm telling you now, you need to get out more. I'm not saying that it's bad to love doing something with a passion, what I'm saying is that if you really love X and not Y, Z, or A and a bloke comes a long who is really passionate about Z and A, but you only care about X, then you're not going to have much to talk about... are you?

5. The one who is consistently funny.

Humor is never a bad thing. In fact, I usually resort to humor in nearly every situation in my life, but there's a time for humor, and there's a time for seriousness, sadness, love, hate, and a plethora of other emotions. It's the same idea as the obsession, unless you have the ability to express a multitude of feelings and are willing to share them with the people you date, then you're only hindering yourself. Cracking up and having a good time is great, but if you're on date 238 and you still haven't had a serious conversation about anything aside from Dane Cook, you might want to reevaluate your relationship.

Who you want to be is number 6.

THE PERSON WHO EXPERIENCES LIFE AND FEARS AND GROWS THROUGHOUT THE FILM.

You want to be you, but at the same time, relationships/dating is about sharing your life with another person in order to discover if you want to share your life with them forever. You can't know that unless you express your fears, hopes, dreams, and goals with that person. You need to discover the compatibility factor. And a huge part of that factor is the ability to grow with your significant other/date/boyfriend/girlfriend. Exploring who you are with another person is the greatest experience, because they see you for who you are and can see and recognize how you've changed as life happens.

So essentially, you want to be a multifaceted person who takes it slow and doesn't show up before the party starts. I'm just saying. :)

If you use this list of who not to be, and who to be, you might just survive the harsh world of a horror film. You might also survive dating, too.

Mixed Take 2

I'm not saying that I'm the all time guru of relationships and/or being single.

I know a fair bit, and what I don't know I research, (see very large stack of relationship memoirs and a well honed knowledge of msn.com's encyclopedia of relationships + a thorough study in anything newly turned up in science).

But there is one thing that no one can research, because it's all within the mind of another person.

Mixed Signals.

One day she's calling you baby, the next day she's looking at you like you're something she stepped in.

The problem with the mixed signal and the reason that they cause so much drama in burgeoning relationships is the fact that Party A. can never jump into Party B.'s head and therefore will never know what Party B. is thinking, unless they tell Party A.

For example, I could find the dreamiest, handsomest, lecherous (in a good way), and kindest man on the planet tomorrow, and have a beautiful relationship, but unless I tell him how I feel, instead of making him guess, one bad day and that new found crush could be packing up his bags looking for the next Quirky-Texan.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Signals become mixed due to a lack of communication.

A wise professor once made me create my personal mantra (in 3 to 5 pages), which outlined everything in the world I cared about, and my feelings towards everything in my life. I literally had to decide what the most important thing in the world was to me and write it down, for the world to read. If you must know I got an A on my personal mantra, but the thing that it really drove into me, was the fact that my life, is so incredibly short.

The reason that this revelation is so important is because it made me realize, how little time I have and how little time I actually have to spend with the people around me that I really care about.

This revelation also made me realize, how important relationships are. Waisting time trying to decide if girl A, B, C or D is right by playing games and playing the field is all well and good, until you begin waisting their time. This is where the Mixed Signals for this post comes into play.

A lot of people I know have backup dates/girlfriends/friends. They put them on the sidelines incase their first choice doesn't work out. Now that's all well and good for making plans, but the aggravating part about it is that people don't consider the mixed messages and pain they could be causing.

Not answering number 3's texts because number 2 is available is ridiculous, and blowing off plans with number 4 because number 1 suddenly became available is discourteous, and it all sends the wrong message.

I'm not saying don't date around, what I'm saying is that playing games, which causes mixed signals is wrong. Be honest about what's going on, tell your date that you're dating other people (unless you're dating the entire cheerleading team, then keep that bit to yourself).

You'll cause a lot less grief for yourself and the people around you if you just stick to your true feelings about them. If you honestly care for someone/ like someone/ love someone, then you should be able to show that someone, without feeling awkward or pushy or overbearing or silly.

Love my friends is a battlefield and when you shoot your own chances with friendly fire, you're just screwing yourself over in the long run and hurting your hopes to win the war. By keeping everything bottled up, unshared, you're keeping the other person in the dark. Say you really love Party A., but you've had the day from hell and ignore them in the grocery line, because you're too caught up with your own drama, well guess what Party A. is going to think you don't like him, because you're chasing thoughts no one can no aside from you.

The only solution for mixed signals... communication, which is the answer to most problems involving two or more people, and it's the only solution, which will lead to a future.

Competition

You know one of the most frustrating part of facebook?

How it instigates jealousy.

Awhile back I had a boyfriend who in one day posted on my wall 20 times, because he wanted to get one post from another guy off being on my main page.

Let's consider. A random guy posts on my wall and my now-ex-boyfriend had to post 20 times in order to feel better about it!?

Facebook allows the world to see your personal life in a long lasting visual media setting that can be clicked on again and again. For many people in the dating scene it's hard to see all the other gorgeous people posting on their potential's wall, because it breeds discontent, hatred, self-loathing, and jealousy.

Personally speaking I have a ton of very strong willed, confident women as friends, but if they're crushing on a guy, all confidence is out the window. It doesn't matter if the guy sent them 20 texts in one day, if they go to his facebook and discover a "Hey, Had a Great Time Last Night, We Should Hang Soon, When Can I See You?!" Message from some girl they've never heard of, they'll immediately feel less gorgeous, less confident, and less of a romantic interest.

I'm not saying that it's your crushes job to ladle endless compliments towards every hour on the hour, but... isn't it!? (JOKE)

And I'm not suggesting that everyone in the world stop trying to hang out with people they're friends with, or stop posting on your friends walls when you haven't seen them in FOREVER. What I'm saying is a little sensitivity. To be perfectly honest, if you're actually friends with someone, you shouldn't need to post on their Facebook wall to say HEYYYY HANG OUT WITH ME. You should be able to send them a text, saying the exact same thing. It's private, intimate, and more personal than a virtual shout out of "hey what's shakin!"

It's the idea that, my now-ex-boyfriend shouldn't have had to post on my wall 20 times to prove that he was the alpha male in my life... he should have just been able to shoot me a text or a call to let me know he cared versus, competing in an online battle over my affection.

It's the idea that virtual society now makes it easier to view and review constantly the object of our affection at anytime of day or night, which subsequently makes it to where they're constantly on our mind.

It's unhealthy. We dig these holes of affection for someone into which we fall in and don't know how to pull ourselves out. The constant need for reinforcement of a person's affection towards us, through facebook and myspace, only confirms our naive ideas that they don't really like us, because they haven't posted, like, every hour on the hour on all of our pictures...

Wake up. Smell the coffee. People need to realize that vying for affection virtually will only blow up in your face. Contact, actual physical, verbal and emotional contact is the only way to guarantee that you're not competing against the entire cast of Pretty Little Liars for your man's affections.

So please, step away from the trackpad and realize that cyber stalking will only hurt you in the end.

oh HEY! aka Effers who want to hang out with you romantically when they have another person they're dating...

So a friend of mine recently relayed the following story to me.

Once upon a time, a lovely girl in her early 20s met a man at a party in his mid/late 20s and they hit it off. They exchanged numbers, went on a few dates, and over all enjoyed each other's company.

BUT THEN! The evil summer arrived and split the blossoming romance in twain, the girl had to journey back to the north while the man languished in the damn DC heat. They called each other and texted, but still the distance was too great, until fall returned and the girl made the trip back down to DC and rejoiced to be with her highly attractive friends ;) once again.

After making plans to hang out with the girl, the boy flaked. They made more plans, and the boy flaked.

Finally the girl was like, 'yo what's the deal,' and the boy said, 'sorry i've been real busy with work and the girl that I'm involved with.'

The girl was shocked, as was I when I heard the tale, but the question is... what to do?!

Well I don't suggest bashing the windows of their car in (or do I?).

But you do have a few very important things to decide right there and then.

1. Ask him if he's serious/exclusive with the other girl. If he is, then you have some options.

A. Continue seeing him, damn the other girl, he's fine and you want him now... and tomorrow... and the day after that. (This is also know as being the "other woman." If you are prepared for this highly contentious title, go ahead, but I can guarantee the emotional stress will take a toll on your life and strain your relationships with those around you.)

B. Stop seeing him.

C. Be his friend, if you're the bigger person. You could also just lay and wait till he dumps the other chick and swoop in when he's emotionally fragile.

2. Let him go.

3. If he isn't serious/exclusive with the other girl, he might just be keeping his options open. In today's society it's not unknown for people to date 3 or 4 girls/guys at a time, because you never know which one is greater. Also known as, unless there's a rock, it's not official.

For this option you should be glad to know that he is still interested in seeing you, however, you should also be prepared to take certain precautions for intimacy, because if he's doing you, he's probably doing her, and you don't know her... so you don't know what she has...

All in all it's a complicated situation in which you need to talk to the other person involved and decide for yourself, where to go from here.

The Stand

It's 7 a.m., your eyelids flutter open. You yawn, start to stretch, and your arm hits something.

Rolling over on your side, you look down on the body of someone you don't know, lying next to you.

And now, you panic.

When did they get here? Were you that drunk? Were you safe? Do they have aids? Who are they? Do they have a name? Wait... are you in your apartment or theirs? Do you know where their apartment is?

The one night stand.

Either the joy of your life, or the bane of your existence. If you enjoy them, then you probably already know the following, but if you haven't experienced one then keep on reading.

What do you do when they happen and how do you deal with the after effects.

Well if you're a boy, count yourself lucky, all you need is a quick trip to a medical professional and a prayer to the lord above that the girl didn't steal your prize rookie baseball card under the stack of underwear in your dresser... if you were a bit more manly you'd look now, but then she'd get suspicious and check while you go to the bathroom.

If you're a girl, mate, you pulled the short straw. If you know for 100% certainty, that everything was safe and you've been regimented in your 'control' then you should be fine. Just take two tylenol and call it a day, but if you weren't 100% sure, it's time for a trip to your local medical professional and then one short stop at the CVS to pick up a certain 'b' product.

But once you've got all the medical and physical jargon out of the way... what do you do while you're lying there and they are still not awake.

Few options...

1. Wake them Up, while you're getting up. - Say you're leaving and hit the door. If they try to pull you back into bed, enter at your own risk.

2. Get your stuff together and then wake them up. - Tap them with a foot, say you're out and hit the door.

3. Wake them up while still in bed. - Fancier version of this is sneak out of bed, brush your teeth, fix your face and then hop back into bed where you can properly seduce them.

4. Run. - Slide out of bed, turn off their alarm, because you don't want it to go off while you're hitting the road and have them find you halfway down the hallway. Grab your belongings; don't bother changing, and slowly/quietly open the door and start running. One version of this doozy, is to leave your business card and pray they don't call you, unless you really want them to call you... now if you've just USED the person still laying in the bed and you're leaving because you don't want to deal with questions about a future relationship, but you want them to get the impression that you still want to have 'fun' with them, maybe the business card is the proper way to go, but either way, I think it's just a bit sleazy to bolt on a one night stand and leave your business card, but. that's. just. me.

Aside from that I really don't have any opinions to whether or not one night stands are good or bad, I think it depends on the pair's emotional maturity, but that's for another blog.

"I Want Love" - Elton John

Randomly I was reintroduced to the Elton John song, "I Want Love" today.

With the heart wrenching melody and the very intimate lip-syncing of Robert Downey Jr. in the video, within a month of his emersion from rehab, I began to pay attention to the lyrics with a bit more study than normal.

For those of us, who have loved, lost, been heartbroken, had our hearts trampled on, or were pushed aside, the lyrics to the song, might ring a bit truer than to most, but the message of the chorus has something more, which really sticks out to me as someone dating in today's sea of men.

"But I want love, just a different kind

I want love, won't break me down

Won't brick me up, won't fence me in

I want a love, that don't mean a thing

That's the love I want, I want love

So bring it on, I've been bruised

Don't give me love, that's clean and smooth

I'm ready for the rougher stuff

No sweet romance, I've had enough..."

The first stanza, aka, chorus, has a lot of Elton John's yearnings for his future relationships, speaking towards a love that allows him to be who he is, without judging him. I can't agree with him more. When falling in love with a person, it's most important to realize that you shouldn't just want a love that "won't brick [you] up, won't fence [you] in.." You should need it.

I've noticed one too many of my friends jump into a relationship with a guy, just for the sake of being in a relationship with this cute/handsome/gorgeous guy, only to discover that as they go through a relationship with him, he changes how they interact with friends/ how they view their life/ and how they evaluate their dreams and goals.

A significant other, should never ask you to change who you are, they should never limit you to what they think you're capable of. They should be there to support you and your endeavors, to lift you up.

But a lot of people are so worried about being in a relationship that they forget themselves and just try to please the other person, so that everyone is happy and no one get's hurt, but without stating your feelings/wants/needs you can't learn who the person you're involved with is to the core. You can't get to know their entire being without the conflicts.

I've heard a lot recently in the relationship spectrum that people who have the straight/plain lovey dovey relationships, without the rocks, without the arguments are less likely to last in the long run, because when something tough does come about... they don't know how to deal with it.

I'm not saying have a fight every two days about the same guy texting your girl, but the big conversations about what to do in 5-10 years down the road, the direction your going, should be talked about. Conflicts create compromise and compromising is part of building a great/stable relationship. I'm not saying argue for arguing's sake.

I'm not big on fighting with someone you love, but creating a dialogue about things that you need in a relationship is important, and I really think that it's this idea that John means when he says, "[He's] ready for the rougher stuff/ [he's] had enough of sweet romance." And to be very honest with you, I agree with him. The sweet romance has its part and every relationship should have a bit of that in it, but it needs the rougher stuff in order to make sure that it's a relationship that will last the long haul.

So as you begin thinking about the future of your single life, and the people you begin to become involved with, I think you should just take a listen to Elton John's song, and consider the message that he's trying to tell us.

Gamer

Do I call her back... or do I wait two days, to make her reeeeally want to talk to me.

Maybe this is cranky me talking, but normally I would say that 98% of people (yes I made the statistic up, but I'd say 9.8 out of 10 friends agree) dislike playing games.

Oh yes, you like them at first. Sophomore girls represent, but then you start to see a certain pattern, and you're not liking the findings.

If after a date you have to wonder "o.m.g it's taking him like 7 hours to respond to me!?"

Or "why isn't she answering her damn phone?"

Then you my dear, are the target of games.

We all think we're so very suave walking around with our curt nods and our sly hugs in front of the person we're crushing, but in truth, we're making them mad and ruining their sense of pride.

People have this need to connect to one another. It's why sex where there's a visual eye-to-eye connection is more intense. It's why people form bonds and create friendships, we need to feel understood, but throw a stick in the bicycle spokes, and people become confused.

Games make no one feel understood, and they seem to be reciprocal. I.E. If I play someone now... three days/weeks/months/years down, I'm probably going to get gamed too.

Let's go through a typical game.

Boy meets Girl.

Girl likes Boy.

Boy likes Girl.

Girl friends Boy immediately on facebook...

Boy takes three days to accept, then sends a message.

Girl reads message and then takes a week to respond.

Boy gets pissy and puts Girl on limited profile.

Girl gets angry and defriends Boy.

Boy and Girl lose a potential friendship/relationship due to games.

Now you're asking, but what if I didn't respond to the friend request, because I was really busy. Sit down. Shut up.

How many times a day do you go on facebook... well guess what... facebook chat, shows when you're on. People are quite clever with reading names in chat lists in today's day and age.

We're in a world of constant-instantaneous communication. We text our friends; we email our boss; we call our moms/dads/sig-ots all the time. The people we meet who might potentially like us... know this. They know how fast communication happens. Old fashioned in today's society is going out on an actual date with wine/flowers/the whole she-bang, but some how in this modern age, sticking to the whole three days calling thing, still entices people.

Stop it. If you like someone tell them.

Ok... maybe don't run across the quad to the cute girl in your bio class, but if you have someone you just started dating and they're pulling the I'm too cool to show you how into you I am, game. Then call them out on it. Games are ridiculous. People who let themselves get gamed are essentially saying here's my feelings, have fun stomping them. Tell them within reason. You don't have to come out and say, "I like you, you're a peach!," but you could say, "I enjoy spending time with you."

So For the Future Potential Relationships out There, a few rules to live by:

1. HONESTY.

2. COURTESY.

3. NO FRIGGIN' GAMES

4. HAVE FUN!

&

5. ALLOW YOURSELF TO GET TO KNOW A PERSON (More on this in a later Blog!)

The O.M.F.G. What is she thinking blog.

WATCH THIS

If you haven't seen that... then I highly recommend you take the 4 minutes and 9 seconds it takes to watch it.

I noticed for the past few posts I've been directing my comments to the girls. So guys, here's one just for you.

I've come up with a few scenarios with the help of a few friends, where most of the time, guys wonder, 'what the f*^& is she thinking?'

1. She puts on too much make up.

She's thinking that either her skin tone is really uneven or she's actually insecure in her natural features. It's also possible that she really likes expressing herself with makeup. If you like a girl who puts on too much makeup, you could tell her while she's in her natural state, how gorgeous she looks. This will usually get her to think, wow, maybe I don't need five layers of foundation or the G-d, awful blue eyeshadow.

2. She texts you, 'hey how's it going!'

What she's not thinking is I HATE THIS MAN! She's probably thinking (if you're not close friends) I like him; he's fun; I want to hang out with him. If you're interested it's probably in your best interest to attempt to make plans with her.

3. She's grimacing/Jaw oddly set/she's raising her eyebrow and not in the good way.

I'd say she's unhappy with something you've done. Or she thinks the meat kibbeh tastes oddly like a pumpkin pie. If she's doing all three at the same time, (one) she's talented and (two) she probably doesn't agree with you or is finding some flaw in something you've done. Best to just apologize and move on. She'll forget about it in an hour or two.

4. She's Smiling.

She's happy. What'd you think it meant!?

5. She's smiling awkwardly.

She's uncomfortable...

6. She just called you and you're not sure what she wants, because she keeps talking and you're getting confused, because she's not actually trying to make plans, but she keeps going on.

You, sir, have got yourself a talker. She's probably talking about her feelings and things that happened that day. I don't envy you at all. She's thinking that the only relationships that she knows are the ones with her close friends, which involve constantly talking about things that seem very menial to you. However, don't think that she's doing this to make you miserable, in fact, she's doing this because she likes you.

7. She answers her phone during a date.

Unless this is her MOTHER or her FATHER who might be paying for college, and the conversation goes past, "hey mom/dad, I'm busy can I call you back later!?" Then I would say that her interest is beginning to wane, or she might just have poor date etiquette. If it's the former, then I'm sorry... If it's the latter, sucks to be you. She probably has a cat that she talks to all the time too, calling it pooky bear, which isn't actually too bad, until she calls you pooky bear too... which shows that she's masking feelings for her animal towards you, and that's a psychological bird of another feather.

8. She answers your call, or calls you back in like 2 seconds.

She genuinely cares about your feelings and wants to make sure that you understand that you can rely on her to be there if you need her.

9. She takes one look at you and walks the other direction.

Yeah, for those pursuers out there, this does NOT mean she wants to be chased. It means she wants you to leave her the 'eff' alone.

10. She doesn't go in for a hug or acts awkward when you touch her, during a first date or in a group setting.

She probably feels awkward in the new situation. I would recommend a second date, where there's a physical activity that you can interact with her in a more personal way. I wouldn't say that this means automatically that she thinks you're disgusting, unless you chewed with your mouth open the entire time and spit food all over her. She also might be a bit shy, which would explain the lack of touching or physical intimacy, this improves over time.

11. She doesn't respond to your texts or answer your phone calls... like, ever.

I'm sorry she doesn't like you, it's time to move on. There are lots of attractive/fun/awesome girls out there in DC and to hang yourself up on one, who isn't interested is limiting your interaction with the others who probably are.

How to Navigate The Cold Cruel World of the Bar

It's Friday night, and you and your closest friends are headed out to a bar.

Jill wants to dance the night away.

Janet wants to flirt with the bartender.

Janie has a gun... (JK)

and you are on the look out for a potential, dater.

What do you do?

Well, first you satisfy the girl who wants to flirt with the bartender (Blair keep your mouth zipped!). Why? Easy, you get this girl in with the man with the drinks, there will be easy flowing beverages all night, plus the closer to the bar the more likely you are to meet other people making bets and buying rounds.

If you're lucky enough to grab a hottie right off, like a certain friend I know, then you're done for the night, but if you're like other people I know it might take a bit longer. SO, what you do is this. After, Janet has had one too many free shots of "water" let Jill drag you to the dance floor.

Why?

Well it's easy. When you're having fun, you smile. When you smile, you get noticed. If you're dancing and you get noticed, your face will be flushed already. If your face is flushed, it reminds people of invigorating activities which might lead to a conversation on the dance floor.

I don't however, recommend allowing yourself to be picked up on the dance floor, for a very good reason. People on the dance floor more than likely want one thing, and if you're down for that one thing then so be it, but if you're looking for a number and a date later in the week and not later in the night, then I suggest batting the men ON the dance floor away. Most of the ones I've encountered are sleazy anyway.

What I do suggest however is after 3-5 songs of dancing with your peeps, you drag them off the floor to retrieve a refreshment. Your face will still be flushed. You'll still be on the dancing/endorphin high, and you'll be more likely to talk to people you've never met before in your entire life.

I then recommend standing next to a group of people of the opposite sex or whatever you desire... and then I recommend this. Let the girl, who has spent the first 45 mins of her night shamelessly flirting with the bartender dive through. From here you have a couple of options...

1. Apologize for your friend. This engages the people around you in conversation. Mention how what they're drinking looks good or comment on a peculiar piece of jewelry.

2. If your friend spills their drink, which is probably likely since they've been receiving the solid end of free booze for the better part of an hour or two, then offer to buy the person she spilled on their next drink.

3. Tap one of them on the shoulder and whisper/shout in their ear your drink order and ask to pass it along to your friend. You would have asked them to move, but the view from back here was just too good to pass up (ONLY FOR THE BOLD)(Works best with a wink).

4. Stand there... smile at the people around you. Say, "Hi!" Odds are that they're there for the same purpose, to meet people, and who would pass up someone who already looks interested and is SMILING. I don't think that I can say this enough. If you LOOK approachable, ie., like you're having a good time, and you look like a nice, fun person, then the odds are that you will be approached.

If this method doesn't work the first time, then let Jill pull you back to the dance floor a couple more times, it's like your hair, rinse, lather, repeat... As long as you don't dive back into the same group of people that 'rejected' you, and I use the word LIGHTLY, the first time, then you stand a greater chance of success.