Flirtext

So recently I had an overtly long stay in Texas... and by long I mean I wasn't expecting to be there for more than 3 days, so I didn't prepare myself mentally for the week long extravaganza of no flirting with men. (And before you say, "Texas is full of men!" I come from a town of 1160, so no... there are no men there).

I just about shriveled and died by the last night there. I began to feel my insides getting older and the skin on my face sagging into puddles of unhappiness.

Which meant it was time to get my flirtext on.

Flirtexting is the act of flirtatiously bantering and swapping wit and emoticons back and forth through text messages. This is not to be confused with Sexting which is sexual flirtation. Flirtexting can serve as a spring board into sexting, but it does not include anything overtly sexual. It's the PG/ Disney version.




So began the hunt. I seriously think the song, "Hungry like the Wolf" accurately describes how I was feeling.

But no one was having any.

I tried a guy I'm dating. He was no help. Just lame updates on the fun I could be having in DC. This included drinking with my chika, flitting by my Favorite bar, and dancing the night away. All things I could NOT do in Bumblebutt Texas.

So, I'm sitting on my parent's couch, bored off my mind, when I think... ooooh facebook!

I post my desire, I need to flirtext and nearly immediately Man has posted. YES. Gonna get my Flirtext on! It's gonna be good!

So I tried Man, but he's no help either. All I got was one L-i-c-k.... That's all the message said.... A LICK? YOU"RE LICKING ME? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?! One "lick?" That's worse than no response at all, it's the worst kind of tease imaginable, it's a promise with no follow through. It's a hope with no star to cling on, and slowly the desperation in my voice is grows stronger....

So then I tried the old tried and true Kryptonite, which ended with a fizzle before it even started.

Then, ExNumber512 tried to convince me to flirtext with a long list of people which may or may not have included him. NO. Not Happening.

As my want began to grow stronger I realized I was turning into one of those desperate women who cling to the last vestiges of sanity by digging themselves into a hole and falling into it, only to cry out with their last breath for help, which never comes. I became the Juliet of Flirtexting. I was about to plunge the dagger into my pulsing heart.

If only. If only my future had a lifeline... OkCupid. YES. There's always people on there looking to chit chat and meet people and after the one time I got asked for a threesome (2 males - 1 girl) I knew that someone would be prowling for a few flirtatious messages. I didn't need to tell him he didn't stand a chance.

But I can successfully tell you that no one is prowling OkC at 11 pm on a Friday night... aside from me. And the creepy 60 year old men looking for a "girl to spoil." Urm... No.

So there I was looking and hoping with no outlet for all the flirt stored in me after a week of no vessel to toss it in... So I wrote down some rules for successful Flirtexting and that's what you're getting. And truly isn't that better anyway?

LoRo's Flirtexting Rules to Live By

1. Keep it short. The fun of witty banter isn't a lengthy story. It's short, back and forth rapid wit slinging back and forth like girls wrestling in a tub of jello.

2. Keep it fast. This is not for the people who only text every hour. This is for the RAPID exchange of flirting. You wouldn't go to a bar and start flirting with a guy by saying a fun witty thing... walking away.... and then coming back an hour later over and over again, would you?

3. Emoticons are a necessary evil. I know some people hate them, but if you're saying something sassy, you need the stupid :-P face in order to show jest instead of snark.

4. Laughing is encouraged. LOLs and HAHAs and LMFAOs and ROTFL are pretty much required in order to show the partner flirtexter that you're enjoying the exchange.

5. Embrace texting short hand. You know it. Embrace it.

6. If you're slowly moving the Flirtexting to "deeper water" if you know what I mean, make sure both parties are comfortable with the switch. Flirtexting is fun for almost everyone. Sexting can get you into trouble depending on the other person's desires.

Bases - Clarified

Have you ever watched a baseball game?

Yes? Awesome.

No? Well then this is a baseball diamond. (I'm not going to tell you the rules - just accept that this is a baseball diamond)

A poorly drawn one, but hey I haven't used paint in YEARS. Let's pretend it's awesome - a suspension of disbelief if you will.


Now,
If you have been anywhere in the dating world, ever. You know the baseball base system. If you don't you should pick up the rock you've been living under and go on a date.

If you don't I'll explain it... the baseball base sexual metaphor system, is a way to gauge how far one goes with a sexual partner. Certain bases mean certain things, progressing in level of involvement based on how close you get to a homerun.

Currently, the system is based on bases.
1st, 2nd, 3rd, and Homerun.

1st - Some make out action
2nd - Some touching of the mammaries and the pants zipper. Maybe the zipper's unzipped, who knows! But there's touching.
3rd - Anything Below the Belt - Wink Wink Nudge Nudge know what I mean? (NO I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!)
Home Run - WHOOPEE!

It's a system that has worked and been in use for years.

After chit chatting with a few friends, we decided that the current system leaves a lot of unnecessary room for clarification between 2nd, and 3rd. It's 2011 People, the sexual revolution happened. They say sex on the radio. They have sex in commercials for Windex. They have allusions to sex in kids movies (Rango - "You're moist with anticipation"). Sex is part of our lives, and it isn't going anywhere. Try as they might to ban kids putting condoms on bananas in school. It's not going anywhere.

So here's the question that is left not clarified in the current metaphor system... did someone visit downtown or didn't someone visit downtown...?

So, I'm proposing a revamped base system. A BASEMEN-based system.
1st, 2nd, Short Stop, 3rd, and Homerun.

It has long been pushed off to the side like a neglected step-child and for the sake of the touchy feel-y base thing, aka, sexual metaphorical baseball standards, I'm proposing we include short stop, due to the fact that there is a man/lady there catching balls left and right with the best of them, and for too long he/she has been left out, even though he catches the majority of the line drives. It's my opinion he has been left out long enough! He needs some recognition! He needs some love! He needs some coochie-coochie just like the rest of the basemen!

So I propose the following basemen based metaphor list.
1st - Some make out action: a little tongue here, some tongue over there, you get it.
2nd - Some handsy making out: A touch, touch here and a touch, touch there.
Short Stop - Hands under the clothes in places you wouldn't want your mamma to know about.
3rd - No holds barred...
Home Run (Catcher just sounds lame) - WHOOPEE!

It might be more graphic, but it leaves less room for the imagination. What do you think?

Casual Relationships Defined

There's been a lot of tweets in the twittersphere about FWBs being bad or girls getting too involved with them or people interchanging the meaning of a Fuck Buddy with that of a FWB, and I've started to get a little frustrated. (O.k. so mostly I'm frustrated with the HORRIBLE DC DRIVERS, but it rolled over into my script writing, and then bounced over into people calling the Bartender my Booty Call - a booty call is a thing, not a person... )

Casual Relationships seem difficult to define because they're just that, casual. As opposed to the more rigid lines of boyfriend/girlfriend, or fiance, or husband. But they do in fact have CLEAR distinctions that people should really get to understand.

FWB - a friend with whom you have a sexual relationship. Like all friends this is NOT your only relationship, it's in addition to a healthy dating life. (For example you have your group of close friends, but say you get a girlfriend. You still have those friends. They still exist. They didn't fall off the face of the planet because you suddenly found a girlfriend. But say you meet a cool person and you bring them into your circle, they're a new friend. You still date outside of that new friend, because your friendship isn't exclusive. SO a FWB is a friend with whom you share a casual sexual relationship).

Fuck Buddy - A sexual relationship that blurs no boundaries. Sex. That's it. You go in, you bounce about, and you LEAVE. However, because there's no emotional connection odds are someone in the fuck buddy relationship will strive to connect to the other partner, that person normally tries to make this connection at a deeper, emotional level, causing the Fuck Buddy relationship to grow off kilter, and eventually derail.

Cuddle Buddy - A relationship that involves an extensive amount of touching/cuddling/holding. It may or may not include making out, but it does not include sex. As soon as a hand dips down into the pants, this ceases to be a cuddle buddy and instead evolves into either a fuck buddy or a FWB. A Cuddle Buddy is not exclusively just cuddling, but can be/ and in most cases is, a friend with whom you cuddle.

One-Night-Stand - A sexual relationship which can either be 3rd base worthy or homerun worthy (if you catch my drift), where no further relationship is pursued. As soon as you pursue a second night of mind blowing baseball metaphors, this drifts over into the Fuck Buddy Category.

Booty Call - A text or phone call that has an explicit meaning. Sex. It can happen at any time of the day, contrary to popular belief. You can argue with me until you're blue in the face, but if you're only getting booty calls at night, it's because the person doing the calling is either booty calling someone else during the day or working.

Affair - when one parter of a relationship, goes outside of that relationship for sexual gratification.

Emotional Affair - when one partner of a relationship, goes outside of that relationship for a deeper emotional connection that they feel is missing from the relationship.

Sexting Affair - when one partner of a relationship, goes outside of that relationship for sexting gratification, normally because the other partner in the relationship will not sext. I personally did not know that this was actually a thing until a man with a Fiance texted me very EXPLICITLY things that he wanted to do to me. Ugh, ugh, let me vom a little in my mouth real quick. If you're already having a sexting affair less than a month into your engagement, you're probably not going to last. Especially when I send her those pictures... really people?! REALLY? When I turn my phone on after the midnight showing of Harry Potter, I don't want to open my phone to see your Ron Weasley. Gag.

Sexting Harassment - When a person whom you used to date doesn't get the message that you're no longer interested, due to their bizarre deviances and the fact they were a jerk, and sends you unwanted sexual pictures/texts in order to entice you back into their affections. Okay, so the term is actually more broad, when someone sends you unwanted sexts, but really... can you stop?

Mistress - A female, long-term sexual companion to whom you are not married.

Paramour - A male, long-term sexual/asexual companion to whom you are not married. Usually categorized by a strong emotional or physical intimacy. The only reason I know this is because on Facebook I was "married" to a close friend for about a year, and had a string of boyfriends ask me if they could be my mistress. Now I don't know about you, but I like my men like I like my toilet paper, tough yet comfy and ripped. So, hearing typically bearded men ask if they could be a mistress was a bit creepy, so, I looked up the male version and discovered that I could call them my paramours.

If there's anything else you want defined let me know, I'll fix it up.

UPDATE:

No Strings Attached - a sexual relationship where commitment does not go hand in hand with sex, it's like if the Fuck Buddy Relationship and the FWB Relationship had a baby... (where someone didn't hand over a diamond engagement ring) This type of relationship can become murky (have you seen "No Strings Attached with Natalie Portman?) because people are typically using NSA as a sexual relationship due to not having a healthy dating life, which is where the problem comes in. As soon as you are no longer looking for emotional connections outside of the NSA Relationship, you're going to turn around and start emotionally attaching yourself to them, which is when they implode.

My Recommendation (which means you can take it or leave it) is if you're calling them something other than the person your Dating, your BF/GF, your Significant Other, your Fiance, or your Spouse - then it's a casual relationship. Casual Relationships are NOT I repeat NOT an outlet for your emotional needs. They're casual, like two ships passing in the night. Not like two ships where one is the Andrea Dorea and the other is the MS Stockholm, colliding head first into each other almost as if destiny had planned it...

Bars - Dupont Edition

After running around DC for the majority of the last 8 weekends carousing and having a jolly good time of it. I've got a couple of recommendations for places to go and places to avoid, like the plague.

FRONTPAGE
A Dupont Staple right off the Red Line. Literally you exit, and it's right there. Now aside from my own love of this place, for the past 4 weekends, it's been deader than Michael Jackson (too soon?) Normally it has a groovin dance floor and a chill back bar to get away from all the creepster army guys (and by army guys I mean that one really creepy army guy that is literally there every night and likes to insult anyone with skin darker than white). But seriously the military men abound in this establishment due to the fact that at least three of the bartenders served in varying branches of the military and have a LOT of friends. I can't tell you how many times I've heard, "Let's go get a drink from my friend -insert bartender's name here-, we served in Iraq together!" But I digress, in my opinion this recent lameness can be attributed to the recent rash of purse snatchings in the bar (yes I'm serious) and the fact that college is out for the summer for the most part, which is where a majority of the bar's clientelle comes from during August - May. But to give you a heads up of HOW dead it has become, while dancing there on Friday night, I was one of 5 people on the dance floor 2 of which were my own friends. Maybe Saturdays are better? For the bar's sake I hope so.
RATING: LAME


HELIX LOUNGE
A swanky lounge in a hip hotel "Four Blocks" from the Dupont Circle Metro. I can tell you now the "Four Blocks" bit is a cop. What they really mean is about a mile away from the metro if we're going to be real. Because while technically yes there are four blocks they're friggin' long arse blocks. Aside from that it's a tiny spot where I'd recommend happy hour with some friends due to its smaller capacity and lack of a DJ. But they have an expansive patio area which rivals the size of the interior bar. I cannot tell you enough how cool the interior of the bar is. The designer really went all out with slick lines and show lighting.
RATING: CHILL


SIGN OF THE WHALE
Located legitimately a few blocks from the Dupont Circle Metro, this laid back sports bar offers up free happy hours to anyone who can write their name legibly on a piece of paper that circulates the bar on any given night. I've recently been frequenting it due to my friends being able to write legibly and received free cover and $3 drinks. Yes you read that right nights at SOTW will typically cost you a five dollar cover, spilled drinks and MANY MANY BRUISES. The fact of the matter is that the bar is oriented in what I like to call galley/alley fashion, which means it's long and narrow and everyone is going to be traipsing by you (read PLOWING) in order to find an open spot. Apparently the bar also didn't get the memo to turn down the A/C when it gets hopping because they instead use industrial fans which can and will blow up girl's skirts, giving patrons a free show of some people you want to see and some people you do not. Mostly this is the spot to start off the night if the drinks are cheap due to a friend's happy hour, otherwise it's not worth the five bucks.
RATING: ONLY FOR FREE HAPPY HOURS


MIDTOWN
Located next to Lucky Bar, Midtown offers up a more club style bar than the majority of Dupont's offerings. It's swanky. It's skanky. And I have no urge to wait in the ridiculously long line in order to be judged profusely by their Russian Bouncers for my jeans and flipflops. While typically over 18 on the weekdays, they get picky on the weekends and bump the age group up to +21, which to me seems kind of dicky, but hey not my bar. The majority of girls popping around here are dressed to dance, and unknowingly, dressed to get felt up. Because unless you enter that bar with a man willing to intimidate the lurchers in the corners, then let me tell you the bottom line, you're going to get creeped on by many many men trying to stick their junk in your butt, and you're going to get pissed, and it's going to ruin your night.
RATING: LAME


LUCKY BAR
A few blocks away from the metro this laid back bar offers one solo pool table for those "lucky" enough to pounce; An over crowded dance floor; a long narrow stairwell up to the tiny-tiny bathroom, and a strange almagamation of weirdos/college kids/professionals/crazy pants-es. The other night a man carrying a wicker murse (man purse) attacked my group of peeps with his bad dance moves, while shoving his murses in our faces, which wouldn't have been a problem had we been able to run away, but since the bar was too crowded to function, let alone breathe we had to endure or peace out. Granted I have been here many a time on the weekdays later at night, and on those nights it's thoroughly a different place, with quality beer and a great atmosphere, but if you're looking to dance or just drink and chill. It's not conducive to those activities on the weekends. The Bar at the front is poorly designed to order drinks from and the bar on the main floor is only reachable if you like crowd surfing.
RATING: MEH - TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT


RUMORS
Located a short walk from the Sign of the Whale, Rumors offers a mix of dancing, drinking, and chilling in it's multi space environment which makes for a great atmosphere and allows a group of friends with different drinking interests to please their own tastes. While the dance floor does run on the smaller side, the DJ normally pumps out a solid mix of dance/rap/hip-hop/80s, keeping his dancers happy. The easily accesible main bar on the lower level has two sides making it easier to get the attention of the bartenders, while the bar up on the top level is typically staffed with 3/4 bartenders a night making it easy to get someone's attention. Caveat - a $5 cover, which typically makes people say things like, "I'm not paying no damn cover," BUT the cover for the most part keeps the creepers out, and the roving team of bouncers employed who, also, keep the creepster level to a minimum. Those burly men in Rumors apparel are not just for decoration, I've seen them kick out/carry out creepers who get too handsy or people who get too rowdy.
RATING: YES, PLEASE


BIG HUNT
Right across the street from the Southern exit of the metro, Big Hunt is all about the atmosphere, the good special house brews, and a mixture of hipsters and the laid back patron. They're the definition of divey in my opinion, which in my opinion means I don't want to go to their bathroom, because I'm not sure where it's been and since there are only two in the entire bar for men and women, sometimes the line for the shitty ass bathroom can get a bit long. And by shitty ass bathroom I mean some times it looks like someone couldn't locate the damn toilet paper. Walls are not for wiping people!!! There's a pool table and two skeeball games up on the top floors and plenty of seating indoors, while the patio up top can get a bit competitive for tables. Thing to note. You sit at a table, order from your waitress/waiter because they are circling. It's a good spot to hang out with friends in a low-key environment where you might meet other groups or you might not. It all depends on you.
RATING: YES - IF YOU CAN BRAVE THE BATHROOM.


JAMES HOBAN'S
Located across the street from the Front Page, Hoban's offers everything an Irish Pub typically offers, plus a snobby professional environment. This is where wanna be congressman go to die. I don't think I've ever seen more 40-60 year old men in a bar on a late night as I have here. It's not the most conducive space for finding people and it's definitely not conducive for meeting people unless you're looking for a sugar daddy.
RATING: LAME


URBANA
A quick walk from the Southern Exit of the Metro, Urbana is a rising establishment for food and wine in the Dupont area. I'm not sure if I'd recommend going here as a stop for your late night rounds, but they have creative drinks that will tingle your taste-buds and open your palette for their great food (minus the FOUL smelling tomato soup). They have an extensive wine list to serve you from if wine's your poison and offer two bar areas in which to meet and mingle with other people who enjoy good food and the swank atmosphere of this intelligently designed basement bar. They keep a pretty solid social media presence, letting you know of any specials and new flavors coming up on their menu.
RATING: WHY NOT - YOU'VE GOTTA EAT


PUBLIC BAR, AKA PUBLIC
The place to go to meet real men, is located just a few short blocks from the Southern Exit of the Metro. Boasting more TV screens than you can look at in a night, this very sporty bar has three floors/four bars and a LOT of people. Somenights are better than most and some nights it will cost you $5 to get in, I still haven't figured out their system of pay or don't pay, so I can't help you out there. The first floor is more conducive to meeting sporty people, checking out the games, where as the second floor is pretty much a dance dance dance kind of zone with some low seating spread around, while the third floor is... wait... are there four floors? I'm unsure..., there are so many stairs in this joint that I really can't remember, if there are four floors, instead of three, then it's safe to say the third floor is not worth visiting because it's not remarkable, but the roof bar, is pretty nice. I'd recommend it, if your knees can handle it.
RATING: SURE-WHY NOT


THE MADHATTER
A swirly-girgly mass of dancing/chilling/gaming/drinking patrons rushing through and rushing by located a few steps away from the BIG HUNT. Wow, is it worth it to go here!!! There's dancing on the massive main floor, along with drinking from a cash bar or the long galley/alley style bar, but all of this keeps you constantly moving, or getting constantly tread upon - recommendation: closed-toed-shoes. Upstairs offers different areas, each sporting their own smaller/easier to access bar, as well as, a chill area to talk and mingle versus the carnivale happening below. And let me tell you, it is a carnivale below, a mass of bodies sliding and writhing next to each other, where the only words heard are the music and the ones you can scream loud enough to hear. Prepare to be HOARSE HOARSE HOARSE following any night partied at the Madhatter on the bottom floor. Since this bar is always hopping, the line to get in can get pretty long, so I recommend heading there before midnight if you know this one is on your list.
RATING: YES


Any other bars you're curious about? Let me know I'll check em out and get back to you! Don't like my ratings for these? Suck it, they're subjective.

The Addiction

Shit.

Feelings.

Emotions.

Nervousness.



I haven't had a really intense crush in a while. The rush of adrenaline pounding through my veins, shaking my sweating hands (nice visual - I know) literally has not been felt by me in nearly 2 years. Mostly because either I know that it's not going to happen, or I'm not crazy about the guy I'm dating, which is why they seldom last more than a couple of dates, but here I am with my sweaty palms wondering if he's wondering about me, while I try for the 100th time to buckle down and rewrite this damn script by Blahblidiblah, which is subpar at best now that I've reread it for the 200th time (some people just shouldn't write Romantic Comedies, like the person who originally wrote this one).

I keep telling myself, stop texting him first, stop iming him first, stop it. Stop it. STOP IT! But then I think, but what if he doesn't know I like him.

Because that is possible, right? No.

They always know I like them. I've never been good at hiding that shit. Poor kid that sat in front of me during Texas History in 8th grade probably thought I was a drooling lunatic, that's how bad it is. And now, I'm pretty sure the drooling has just turned into eye fucking and excessive smiling, which may or may not be creepier than the drooling.

And I can't really find a way to counteract the effects of the crush, because I've looked it up and according to this article in Women's Health, my newly acquired rush is a result of surging levels of dopamine, which are driving me absolutely crazy. And I have no way to counteract the dopamine... or do I?

According to other various articles, the only thing that can reduce this new found stress of increased dopamine surging through me is a lovely chemical called - oxytocin, which is created naturally when you hold someone's hand, or hug someone, or cuddle, which sounds nice and cute and cuddly-awesome. Except for the fact that my crush is not within cuddling distance...

So I'm jonesing for human contact.

If you think about it, it's horribly interesting that the human body recognizes that increased chemicals rushing through your body is abnormal and realizes the solution, much to my chagrin. It's like when out of nowhere you're hit with a huge thirst. It's your body's way of saying, "YO, I'm 70% water, and you haven't had liquids in a while - DRINK SOMETHING." OR like when you play a hockey game and afterwards your body's energy source is completely depleted, so you have to go out and eat protein to replenish your body's stores.

But seriously my body knows that the increased chemicals need to be evened out even if it doesn't care where it gets its next hit. I recognize that grabbing a random person and nuzzling into their neck is wrong, but my body not so much.

I was on the metro last weekend minding my own business, when I got a text from the Crush. It was a normal text, nothing exciting, but the next thing I know, I'm looking around trying to figure out which person would be my new cuddle friend. This is when I realized that being in public transport, ie, an all you can cuddle buffet was probably not the best place for me with my cravings.

Most people crave chocolate, alcohol, italian food, but currently I am craving human touch, so if a random girl runs up to you in DC and gives you a big frickin' hug... It's me. I've had my shots, and to my knowledge only my laughter is infectious.