Why I'm Still Single (Part 1)

The title is a bit misleading, but it's the truth.

The multiple part story that commences does not make me look good... in fact... it makes me look like a horrible human being, but because I haven't had a Friday in the last 3 months where I haven't cried about it... I apparently... need to tell it. I need to get this off my chest.

In the Summer before I became a junior in college, I went on a family vacation...

It was our typical vacation of cruise around the caribbean. It was untypical because it was the first family vacation where my brother was bringing his significant other...

It was an untypical vacation for me, because it was the first week since April 25th that I wouldn't be able to talk to my then boyfriend, Ex646, every day... in fact I wouldn't get to talk to him at all except through quick emails and facebook exchanges on the $.50 a minute internet connection.

I've never been an overly romantic person, so I was dealing with it how I knew how... through engaging in every activity on the ship.

One morning as my brother's GF, Ash, and I sat in the Windjammer cafe overlooking the island of the day, I noticed someone staring at me. I told Ash, but she didn't believe me.

He was sitting by himself, in an orange cut off t-shirt and a pair of sunglasses, and for every intents and purposes, this was my kind of guy. I ignored it however and went about my business.

We had a great day on the island, but when I sat down for dinner later that night... he was sitting at the table next to mine. I distinctly remember that he had NOT been there the night before... and I don't know if you've ever traveled on extensively large cruise ships, but the odds of seeing someone more than once or twice is pretty slim, these things are legit - HUGE. It wasn't seconds before he realized I was there at the table over and for the next two nights I kept nudging Ash, going, is he staring at me?

I know what you're thinking. This girl is paranoid, but after years of perfecting the eyefuck and reel, I know when someone is looking at me, and he was staring.

He smiled. I smiled. And that was that...

or so I thought...

Later in the cruise there was this game show, called the Quest, and it's intended on being a rowdy, raunchy one room scavenger hunt for adults. This guy. This man with the intriguing eyes danced the can-can, shirtless... I pretended to sizzle in a pan like bacon (i.e. act like you have a seizure on the floor infront of 500 of your closest "fans").

Needless to say it's embarrassing, and I watched him do the can-can... shirtless... and I appreciated it.

A few hours after our embarrassing performance, my mother, Ash and I were playing shuffleboard on the deck, and I was celebrating a rather amazing push if I do say so myself, by dancing and shouting and looking like a spastic child... as this guy walks by... laughing... I couldn't stand it... Who does this can-can dancer think he is... laughing at me...

"You don't get to laugh at me can-can boy, I've seen your dance moves." (remember this).

Within the next 10 seconds introductions were made and Can-Can Boy became our 4th in a rousing game of shuffleboard (he was my partner - we killed it).

As the night went on, we played more games, and talked, and talked, and talked, and talked, and talked...

The rest of the cruise was spent seeing him, literally where ever I was... on our excursions (pre-booked, we didn't know he was on them, till we got there!) in the promenade, at dinner, in the casino, EVERYWHERE.

This of course led to more talking about him, about me, about my boyfriend, about his girlfriend, and about our lives... we became as thick as thieves. Seriously... in a period of 5 days, I met Can-Can Boy and formed this crazy friendship... which bordered questionably close to the line of flirtation, which bordered way to close to the line of emotional betrayal.

On the last night, neither one of us, seriously wanted to part from each other... so we stayed up till 5 AM which is when we almost fell asleep chatting in one of the lounges... He walked me back to my room that I shared with my brother and Ash, and we stood there, realizing that the pregnant pause in the air lingered, hovering over us both.

We hugged for a tad too long. We exchanged numbers. He walked away as I entered my room.

I don't remember what happened next, but I know that when we landed in port the next morning to go home, my world was shaken by the horrifying news that one of my cousins had been killed tragically and devastatingly in a car crash...

The night before I found out... my night with Can-Can Boy, would be the last truly care-free night I would have for nearly 6 months. 6 months of constantly pondering is today my last day on earth? Is today the last day I'll talk to my parents, my brother, my friends, and my boyfriend?

When you see how brief life really is... your world cannot begin to compare to how much you have yet to accomplish in it... how much you have yet to love... how much you have yet to do, to be, to experience...

The brevity of a life is something that resonates with me to this day... as such, I put my whole being, my whole self into my relationships be they friendship or romantic, because you never know if this one moment will be the last you have... the last to tell someone how you feel.

The flight home was a somber one, briefly made better by droplets of texts from Can-Can Boy and Ex646... but... it was not an enjoyable one in the least. The tension caused by a family holding back simultaneous tears and all realizing that the other is almost at the brink of hysterically sobbing, is not one I wish on any family in public... ever, but aside from my mother... the odds of seeing someone from my immediate family cry in public is 1 in a googleplex. So it is one that we experienced from Puerto Rico... all the way back home to Little Town, Texas.