WATCH OUT: FIVE-ALARM JERK

I rated The Firefighter 3 stars on OKCupid, but when he messaged me, something said, "talk to him!"

So I did.

And we clicked.

And we went out on a first date, which was so cute, and he was so sweet. We went to Fire Station 1, which is an overtly Kitschy restaurant out in Silver Spring. We met and the sparks were instant, with only one slightly longer than normal pause in the conversation, and that's natural when you first meet somebody, so it didn't bother me.

First off the food was pretty solid for a kitschy bar. He finished his meal completely, and I finished the majority of mine, which is saying something.

Afterwards we went to go see Contraband starring the great Marky Mark, which was actually pretty good, considering Marky Mark needs a considerable amount of acting class. His surprised expressions and turn of phrase always sound the exact same to me, no matter what character he's playing, and don't even get me started on his shitty performance in M.Night Shyamalan's shitty movie, "The Happening."

ANYWAY.

It was a really cute date. We held hands during the movie, and we giggled, and ugh, it was perfect.

He walked me back to my car afterwards, and he kissed me. After freezing in the parking garage for a bit too long staring into each other's eyes we made plans for Monday, and I sat in my car to warm up.

After my engine was warm and my face and hands as well, I called my friend B1 to see what he was up to. Nothing, so I immediately drove over there and gushed to him and our friend Harm over at their place in Silver Spring.

It had been like flying on butterfly wings. I was so giddy. I was so happy. I was living in the moment and the moment was perfect.

I could feel it.

This was right.




WRONG.

As soon as I realized there were similarities between him and Dicky Macdickerson, I should have left, but I didn't because I liked this guy. I really really did. I had so much hope, but I should have realized it wasn't meant to be, since all my hopes and dreams are always shoved down my karmic throat.

The 2nd date was scheduled to start off at his place. He had just moved into the house, so I brought him a little housewarming gift of some quality beer, complete with a bow! I like to be a gracious guest, and I had really enjoyed the first date, so I thought, why not.

We never made it back out of the house.

We were supposed to go to dinner and then see a movie, but instead we got take out and sat on his bed in our sweats watching movies at home (This. Is. My. Dream. Date). I love wearing my sweats. It's my goal to get to the point in a relationship where I can wear my sweats and just stay wrapped in my man's arms.

We cuddled and laughed and played Scrabble, and had the best night ever.

Apparently my version of the night is not the same version of the night he had, because what once was a fucking constant volley of texts every day for the last three weeks, turned into radio-fucking-silence.

So since I had ample time on my hand from not getting any texts from the Firefighter, I checked my email. I had a new message at the OKCupid, and I read it, and giggled at the bad diction, then checked to see my visitors. The Firefighter was looking at my page at that exact moment. He was online, right then. I sent him a text message asking about his day, thanking him for a nice night.

Nothing.

Four hours later the fucker is still on OkCupid, and has NOT responded to my text message.

Well guess what.

I'm tired of this shit.

I'm tired of feeling used.

(This is where most guys would toss in OMG you're a freaking nut-job. How crazy do you have to be to have this level of emotional panic attack after he hasn't responded in four hours, it's just four hours! When someone normally responds in 5 to 25 minutes, four hours is a slap in the face. Four hours says thanks for the triple word score, don't let the double letter hit you on your way out).

Here's the long and short of it ladies and gentlemen.

I don't do shit half-heartedly. My personal motto is "Go Big or Go Home" anyone who saw me dress up for the Jurassic Bros and Prehistoric Hoes sorority mixer in 2010 can attest, because I spent over two hours painting and perfecting 30 scratch marks complete with fresh blood and differing levels of bruising from being attacked by a raptor!

 If you make it to a 2nd date with me, you have quite a bit of potential. I don't lead guys around on some string thinking, "hmm, maybe I like him."

Nope. If I like you, I put myself out there. You know I fucking like you, because I open the emotional pod-bay doors, and tell you things I wouldn't normally tell other people (granted this doesn't normally happen on a 2nd date, but still). I don't spend time with people I don't like. I don't text back people I don't like. And I don't waste quality kisses on people I don't like.

Why does this matter? Why should I care? Isn't everyone emotional?!

Well it matters to me, because since my emotions rarely make it past the gate, trying to stuff them all back inside the jack in the box, isn't easy.

I once had a guy joke, "ugh, you writers are so emotional." He had no idea how true he spoke.

Well I am. I have lots of emotions. I have love, happiness, giddiness, joy, exuberance, complacency, sadness, despair, anger, frustration - I'm a fucking powder-keg of emotions! And right now. As I sit here writing this, I'm fucking pissed the fuck off (as if you couldn't tell).

It's one thing to use dating sites for dating. I'm down with that. It's another to use dating sites as a way to troll for your sex-life. If that's what you're after - SAY IT. Don't put fake pretenses up about how you're looking for a soulmate and you want bunnies and rainbows at your fricking wedding. Just come out and SAY WHAT YOU WANT.

Readers, this is my plea.
Online Dating comes with a variety pack of different websites custom tailored to your exact wants and urges. You shouldn't be using the wrong site if you want a certain thing. FIND THE SITE THAT'S TAILORED TO WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, YOU DIRTY RAT BASTARDS!

If you're a man who wants to get his freaky stuff on, go get your freaky stuff on, there's websites for that. If you're a man who doesn't want to have sexytimes, there's a website for that. If you're a man who wants to find everlasting love and harmony, there's 29 levels of compatibility waiting for you just around the corner.

Just please, for the love of all that is right and holy in the world, stop waisting my fucking time with your lies and deceits and falsehoods about wanting something more than satisfying your carnal needs. I'm over it, and I'm over you!