OK, sooooo I have a confession to make... I love football. Whoosh, I said it. I'm also newly obsessed with the draft. Yes, I've watched in years past, but this year - I even went so far to get updates of every first round pick sent to my phone...
You know why RG3 is awesome? He played college ball in Texas.
Yeah, shut up. I get it. That's weird.
My team (SAINTS!) doesn't even get a pick till the third round, so I've been trying to get excited by who the Eagles chose - Cox, yeah? Yeah?
With that said, I apologize for the absence of posts this week on this lovely blog here, however if you'd like to read my blog post over on SinglesWarehouse, here's the link!
It's a great post about "The Crawl," aka what us ladies do to make sure you menfolk are still attracted to us in the morning.
And if you missed last week's SinglesWarehouse post about purging your little black book, check it out here!
So after seriously considering for the better part of a week that I was going to draw out female body types, similar to what I did for the menfolk, I realized that if some girl drew a big circle and told me that that circle represented me as a female - I'd be kind of insulted.
Pssh. Have you met me? I'd start a fucking coup.
I also got tired of Draw Something and so instead decided that since I characterize my body shape as that of Sara Ramirez... that maybe I should do just that.
You look confused.
Don't worry. I'm still doing the "Body Type" for females thing, but instead of drawing, because lets be real, those drawings sucked - I'm doing it with pictures of gorgeous fucking women - because they really come in all shapes and sizes.
Let's start with Average.
I can hear your first question already... What's average anyway. You might look around your friend group and automatically assume that most of the people that you hang out with are "average." Well that's not the actual average.
According to some study - somewhere (I read a shit ton of things in a given week - I forget where I read this), the average size for a female is a size 12...
Average is as Average does, so accordingly, I give you...
Sara Ramirez Tony Award Winning Actress
Doesn't she look beautiful (I have a girl crush OK?!).
That's right, I am totally average in body shape. Woo! And if you look like this then you too are Average in body shape.
Personally, I wish I could lie to you and say that I am an 8, but the truth of the matter is the pair of pants I bought out with Sam this past weekend were a 12... most of the time I'm a 8/10 in dresses because they're forgiving of that damn Douthey Butt I got handed down from my Mother's side of the family, but I digress...
I assume that this is average not only because it's my shape/size, but because it is the traditional hourglass figure bumped up a few notches, aka adjusted for the growing size of America's women. And whether you want to admit it or not... women are built like that for a reason.
And off we go!
Next Overweight Vs- Skinny
Gabourey Sidibe
Keira Knightley
Both of these Academy Award Nominated Actresses unfortunately fall on either extreme ends of the spectrum. Gabby is overweight, we all know it. And Keira, well the plain fact is that her head is actually larger than her waist... She looks like a bobble head. She's too fucking skinny. I was going to put a picture of Kate Moss up here, but I couldn't do it, she looked like a pipe cleaner.
Like I said in the male version of this post... Skinny is NOT an aspirational Category... And unless you have dreams to become the world's largest woman, neither is being overweight.
And now for Curvy vs Thin
Sofia Vergara
Emma Stone
The difference between the male curvy and the female curvy? Sex appeal. You look at a girl's curvy and think... DAMN!
Like Sofia Vergara, ie, think the "perfect dimensions" of the hourglass silhouette and go with that.
Now as for Emma Stone's thinner body type you notice the fact that yes... it appears that she has no body fat, but she still has a little shape to her. Get the picture?!?!?
Since I have NO knowledge of jacked female celebrities, I jumped off the beaten path. I have no idea who these women are, but I know they match the body type, they're cute, and they're going to have to make do.
We have Jacked, Fit, and Athletic.
You'll notice the differences right away, if you're clever. Jacked has intense muscle definition.
Fit looks like she spends a lot of time hitting the gym and doing some serious crunches - She looks like she knows what she's doing.
And last but not least, Athletic - Notice that she does have some muscle definition, but that she still seems to have the familiar female shape, as opposed to the lovely ladies up top who have the block body build, typical of someone who has increased testosterone from working out all the time.
And then the last two body types that I'm acknowledging (if you want to see "Used Up" look up Kate Moss or Lindsey Lohan, because seriously... gross).
A Little Extra vs Full-Bodied
Nikki Blonsky
Jennifer Hudson THEN
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And to round everything out we have Jennifer Hudson over on the left. Notice the difference in between her and Nikki. Nikki's shape is closer to nudging overweight vs, Jennifer's who should she lose a few pounds (or a shit ton - healthily) she could start to nudge average (or blow past it) into curvy, since we've all seen what she looks like now.
SO that wraps it up for body typing yourself on internet dating sites. If you haven't seen your body type on either of these posts, I really can't help you, because I think I've got a pretty good gamut going here. You can always shoot me an email or a tweet @SingleDC.
Welcome esteemed reader to Single in the District's blog post about how it's not O.k. to lie about your body type: Male Version.
We all know by now that I am familiar with online dating. Big woo!
But what you do not know is that my biggest pet peeve is someone not knowing what their body shape is, because I do not want to search for "full bodied" and see a pip-squeak. I don't like it. It messes up my hours spent perusing the men folk, as I'm sure it has yours.
So in honor of my newly acquired passion for draw something, I thought I'd draw something that we're going to call a "guideline" for your body shape and exactly what you should be checking on your profile.
Let's start with your run of the mill AVERAGE MAN.
This is what women think of when they think Average Man. They think, "plain - run of the mill." I see this picture and think meh, it's like how I imagine Bill Murray is shaped like.
Next we have in a great juxtaposition is OVERWEIGHT and SKINNY.
Skinny is NOT thin. Skinny is what I think of when I think of a male version of Kate Moss. I don't know of any male version, but if you look up Kate Moss you'll get the drift. Overweight is Jim Belushi meets Norm from Cheers (I always bring it back).
Next up the male version of CURVY vs. THIN.
While Curvy may look similar to Overweight, to the trained eye they are very different. One looks like a pear the other looks like a watermelon. We got it? Thin is NOT skinny. To the untrained eye you would take a look at this lovely brown gentleman and think, "meh he's skinny," if you're comparing him to the curvalicious man on the left, BUT in comparison to Mr. Holocaust/Anorexia up above, this guy has a little meat on his bones. I'm going to be real with you, I think skinny is not something to aspire to - thin might be - if you're into that...
Now for my favorite level of distinction, readers. What's the difference between JACKED, ATHLETIC, and FIT.
Well a lot of times that varies based on your determining factor of what makes an athlete. But if you truly think about the fact that athletes can come in every shape and size, it's truly based on the "ideal male shape." This shape shows the that this guy can build a house if need be - the TRIANGLE.
The Triangle shape forms the basis of Jacked, Fit, and Athletic. In my opinion - disagree if you'd like, but the basic triangle shape is that of this red-shirted sexy man down at the bottom. I'm going to call him Athletic because of the following reasons - Rugby players fit this shape, AFL players fit this shape, Construction workers, hay bailers, and men that spend a few hours in the gym a week can all maintain this shape. That doesn't mean that their "Fit," but that they have an "athletic build" to them.
In my opinion the difference between Fit and Jacked is muscle build. While a Fit man will have good muscle tone and you can see those little thing-a-ma-jigs by their pants' line, a Jacked man should make you reminisce about a time when Arnold Schwarzenegger spent more time competing in body building competitions and less time tanking his marriage.
And if I'm not mistaken that leaves me with just two more body types based on OKCupid's body type drop-down list.
The two pieces of man meat down here are A LITTLE EXTRA and FULL BODIED.
A Little Extra Full Bodied
Unfortunately for Mr. Full Bodied over there I suck at drawing full bodied men. But Mr. Loving the Lavender aka, Mr. A Little Extra is the body type of all beer drinkers everywhere. You can deny it all you want, but if you're starting to see a lil' bit of something hanging over your pants in the morning, you've officially hit the list of men who know a good pizza/beer combo when they see one. (I really can't say anything about this... I have an addiction people).
And Mr. Full Bodied, well he probably let his gym membership lapse a few months/years in a row and doesn't really care. If you're trying to picture the ideal full bodied man, think Seth Rogen in Knocked Up.
So there you have it... oh... you say there's one more... this mythical USED UP body type... What is it? Idk, I think it's a unicorn or a leprechaun with a pot of gold.
Not really. I think it's probably best described as the body of a meth addict. I was going to post a picture and be all shocking and life-like in opposition to the cartoon draw somethings up there, but after digging around I got grossed out, so you'll just have to look it up yourself.
So yeah, stay tuned, because next Thursday we'll be examining female body types and how we're all curvy and thin! Because seriously isn't that the only choice on there? ;)
Last week I joined the esteemed group of experts over at Singles Warehouse! I'm still doing the whole Monday/Thursday Blogs, but one every week will just be over on their blog!
So this week's post is The Slut List or how to quantitatively measure all that sexytime you've been having. http://t.co/L183oTU7
I'm done with prowling, trolling, getting dolled up, asking someone to take me out, asking someone if they're single, going out to bars with other intentions, clicking 2 stars on quickmatch, etc...
I'm done.
I'm done sitting around with people in relationships and listening to them spout off useless quotes about how, "you'll find him when you're not looking," "you should meet my friend Mike," or "I'm so lucky to have my boyfriend Barry." I'm going to say this right here and now, if you're one of those people in relationships that constantly spout this line of B.S. to your single friends, you sound like a fucking dick. The condescension is not appreciated. I'll meet him when I'm supposed to whether I'm looking or not. I do not want to meet your friend Mike. And I don't like your boyfriend Barry so... shut it!
You know what... take me out of the dating pool, right now, because I don't want to be one of those people. In fact, I'm just going to COMPLETELY jump off the bridge of well-adjusted 20-something and plummet right off into the mirth of spinsterhood, if I have to hear you people say one more damn thing about it.
I'm going to embrace the spinster lifestyle right now. I'm going to find me a pair of knitting needles, an unloveable kid to dote on, hooligans to yell at, and tomorrow, I'm going to start pining for some lost love who died or was taken away from me by my parents, who didn't understand our love. Granted none of that happened, but I've imagined up my lost lover, and he was a damn sexy man when we had our fake affair.
Now that I got all that off my chest...
Dating is like a job hunt. It's a full time job and when you write about it, it's a double full time job, and ladies and gentlemen. I'm taking a dating break. I deserve it!
I want to be chased for a change.
I want to feel free of OkCupid's many, many profiles, that are literally sitting there, waiting - hoping - longing for me to look at them.
I want to think about me for a chan... oh, wait. I already do that all the time.
The cycle of dating is constant and consistent. I've seen all my friends go through it, whether they admit it or not.
At some point in time you ended a relationship... you were (1)newly single.
You moped around for a little bit and then (2)jumped back into the dating pond. YOU WERE SO EXCITED. The possibilities were endless. You started dating some people, things were looking good, then it ended... you tried again... then it ended... you tried again... ended.
You stared looking around and realized (3) the possibilities were not endless - in fact, you start to feel exhausted, run down by dating. So instead you back off because constantly swimming in a pool for months and months and months at a time becomes overwhelming.
So you (4)jump out. You wander around for a while. Happy to hang out with just your friends and be one of the guys.
Then you start to want to have a guy... because they're nice and friendly and smell good and like scrabble... So you (5)get serious about dating and you jump back in. Swim around. Find the shark of your dreams and swim off into the sunset until the next ending, which could happen tomorrow or the next week or the next month, or year, or decade.
Unfortunately for me, lately I've had a bunch of sunsets lately without any promise of a sunrise and I'm tired.
Don't think that this means that I'm going to quit blogging. Haha, no. You're stuck with me. I don't plan on giving up blogging any time soon, because I have shit to say and for some odd reason you want to listen to me. For that I thank you!
If you're actually curious about what's going on in my dating life, I recently realized that I was holding myself back by constantly relying on the male neggers in my life to text me and then I would go running, but I was gaining nothing by my continued devotion to guys who weren't all that devoted to me, so I stopped.
I blocked numbers, deleted facebooks, and cut ties. Because you can't move forward while you've still got one foot in a bear trap.
The only downside is now I don't feel very loved... I don't mean that I'm not loved, because I know I am, but I used to get texts from my rotating "harem" (<--- I use that word lightly), at least 2/3 times a day. Now, I'm lucky if my mother texts me. I know it's for the best to move on and move forward, but am I seriously that un-fun to text?! God, please don't answer that.
We've all heard the typical flirting techniques - the hair twirl, the joyful laugh, the wink (I only know one man that can pull this off and still make me want to kiss him), the look into their eyes, a little flattery, etc... BUT! There are a few more tips (aka the under-utilized bits of flirting) that can take your typical flirts from "ow", to POW!
And yes I realize how cheesy that sounded.
You don't have to be the funniest person in the room to get a girl/guy interested in chatting you up. In fact, you don't even have to be the cutest person in the room. All you need to do is keep the following tips in your back pocket to pull out at a moment's notice.
1. Smile
This is by far the most important flirting tip I could ever give you. A well-timed smile will get you so far in your flirting life that even if you can't master any other technique, you'll still be well equipped to make it out there in the real world.
BUT there are different kinds of smiles that you need to remember so that you're not just making the same goofy face every five seconds.
(A) The Genuine Smile
I'm not going to explain this one, because if you need an explanation on how to smile like a normal well-adjusted human being you shouldn't be flirting in the first place.
(B) The Coy Smile
This is best employed when you first meet each other, or when the person you're flirting with gives you a compliment. It's typically employed with a slight head bob implying modesty and shyness. If you're not shy. PRETEND. No actually don't (I'm never going to suggest you be someone you're not), but if the person you're talking to does say something that makes you feel a little shy or a little humble, react accordingly.
(C) The Come Hither Smile
I'm not one to brag, but this is my best smile, because a come hither smile that gets the desired results takes practice and dedication, and trust you me I have had some practice.
Like your first kiss, your come hither smile will give a lasting impression of who you are as a 'seductress' or 'seducer'... "If it is weak, she will think you are weak. And if it is comical she will think you are a clown... And as [you are] never weak and only rarely a clown, your first [come hither smile] must be all the things that you are" (thank you, Porthos - Disney's The Three Musketeers, 1993).
You can see a pretty good example at minute 2:35 of "Hungry Like the Wolf," if you can get past all of Duran Duran's bad acting...
(D) The Really? You, Really, Just Said That? Smile This smile is that smile you give them right after they've made the dumbest joke told in the history of the world. You know exactly what I'm talking about because we've all been there. We've all been in the midst of one of those stories where the ending is less than savory or the story is a bit too bizarre to be accurate, but you still want the potential to know that you can roll with the punches. So you smile. And then you probably give an eye roll. And then you say, "good story bro, tell it again," or "and then you found $5?"
(E) The You're Too Damn Cute Smile As opposed to the smile above where you think something your potential said is bizarre, this smile shows how much you're into their stories because they're cute. You know what I'm talking about it's when a guy starts talking about how his puppy did the funniest thing, or when a girl starts talking about her passion for baking blueberry crumble.
It's a genuine, attracted smile that continues to convey interest, and most times it's associated with a hand touching their heart of grabbing for your hand. Do it. No matter how silly you think you look. Do it.
2. Touch Without Being Creepy
You all know exactly what I'm talking about. How many times have you been brushed by in a club and some creepster grabs your ass? How many times have you been chatting with a really cute potential and then all the sudden they "accidentally" boob graze. It's not cool, and it will get you nothing but grief and the black list.
If you're going to TOUCH somebody, you can touch them in two ways - physically and emotionally.
(A) Physically
Physical touches when flirting should be limited to non-erogenous zones. Unless you've already progressed past flirting into more intimate encounters with said person. If you have not, then limit touches to acceptable spots - elbows, knees, mid-back, arms, hands, and in RARE circumstances their hair.
If you're touching anything else aside from playing footsies, you're entering chancy territory, because anything more than those places can be determined a bit too forward, and unless you know exactly what kind of potential you're talking to, it's best to just play it on the safe side.
(B) Emotionally
If you can touch the heart strings of the person you're flirting with, then you've advanced past what most people can accomplish when flirting. It's one thing to touch a person physically but to touch someone's emotions, takes practice and care. It shows that you're someone they might want to keep around for awhile, so they're going to be MORE interested in continuing to flirt and chat with you, because they can see that you're a quality person.
I have no examples of this from my own life, because well... I'm not that good, but think of it like this... let's consider physical touch to be similar to TrueBlood and emotional touch to be similar to "The Notebook" or "Dear John." It takes a more refined "palette" to be able to utilize the second one properly. Everyone can attempt to make Trueblood with fake teeth and a waitress costume, but not everyone can dive into the nuances of a Nicholas Sparks' novel/screenplay.
3. Engage Ask some fucking questions. I am so tired of getting into a session of witty banter where all that happens is... witty banter. Don't get me wrong, there are few things on the planet I love more than a good round of wit and snark mixed in with some sarcasm and quick words, but this a future does not make, because once you get past all that wit, you'll know nothing about that person.
You need to ask questions. You need to engage them in an actual conversation where you learn a bit more than oh, that's the guy with the great eyes or that's the girl with the killer rack. Knowing something about that person that you can reference or ask about the next time you talk to them, will leave no doubt in that person's mind that you're into them. Remembering that she was going to compete in a triathlon or that he was going to show his dog in the AKC competition will lead into a more in depth flirting relationship.
4. Commit
If you're about to put yourself out there to chat up that sexy single over there, then you better commit to it. You can't half ass a good flirt. You have to have a system that works for you and commit to using it and commit to using it well and commit to using it with your target.
For example, when I know I'm going to be doing some hard core flirting with the bartender of my choice, I milk every last ounce of flirt that I have in my flirt-o-dex.
You can reference my how to get a drink faster than anyone else at the bar list. I'm going to be real with you, this works 90% of the time on male bartenders and 80% of the time on lesbian bartenders. (Yes I just made those statistics up, but trust me it works).
(1) I commit to leaning over the bar to show my cleavage (I know years of feminism, but if I have them, I might as well use them)(guys this does not work to the same level if you throw your penis up on the bar, in fact, you should probably not do that... it might get you kicked out. You could probably just get away with showing off your strong arms or your strong jaw line).
(2) I commit to plastering that 'damn you sir are one sexy mo-fo smile' on my face.
(3) I commit to making eye contact like there is no tomorrow. SMILE AND MAKE EYE CONTACT.
(4) I commit to lingering slightly too long with the credit card or money while I bat those eye lashes and thank them a bit too profusely... maybe it cheapens me, who knows. I just know it works.
Trust me on this one ladies and gents, it works every time. Seriously you can ask my friends about this one. If we're in a crowded bar, trying to get a drink, send me to the front lines, because I am always on a mission.
WHY Does this work? Because I've appealed to the four main emotional and physical desires of every human. Sex, Happiness, Recognition, and Human Companionship. If you appeal to these four main desires, then more often than not, the person you're flirting with will take notice. They'll see that you're committing to flirting with them and that you're interested in them for what/who they are.
If you can't commit to an idea and be confident in what you're trying to achieve then your target is going to realize it. And when they realize that you're only slightly trying to vie for their attention, they'll turn their attention elsewhere, because face it - you're one in 6 billion and not in a good way.
5. Make an Exit
Flirting is all well and good, but the point of a good flirt is to make them want more. What good is flirting an entire night away only to discover the next day that they don't want to talk to you anymore? NONE.
Knowing when to make the appropriate exit, gives you the advantage in this game of romantic cat and mouse.
This is another reason as to why you should also have a business card, because sitting there making small talk while he tries to put your phone number into his phone can make the whole situation even more awkward. You want to get in there, make an impression, and leave them wanting more.
This does not under any circumstance mean you network your way around the bar, it means make a connection and create a lasting impression that leaves them hungry, like Fabio for I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
